I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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