Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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