Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
