the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
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I'm at about main and main street
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
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That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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