Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
All the doctor said was why
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
