She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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