I just threw up on my dentist
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
