You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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