I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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