Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Let's get the cat blown out
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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