So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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