Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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