New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
