Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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