I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize