All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
