i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
