I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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