hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
