I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
