Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
you inspire me to be a worse person
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
