Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I can't turn off my feet"
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
