How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
