I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
