Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
