Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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