you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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