but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
