Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
