you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
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