We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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