Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
