its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
