I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
