There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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