scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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