I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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