so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
