i permit you to call me
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
