From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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