I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
