I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
