Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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