saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
