Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
