the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
