I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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