$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
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