my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
