i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
