please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
