I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
