T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
