hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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