good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
