o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
