come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
