standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
