You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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