I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
