When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
