So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
