I wish I could teleport
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
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hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
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Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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