I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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