Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
