Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
